Dr. Nerdlove...or how I learned to stop worrying and love the videogame

I think I was always a closeted nerd. I mean, I was a nerd, but never really embraced who I was until I was well into my 20's. Sure, I played Mario Brothers when I was little, but I never really understood what I was doing, so I don't feel it counts. I'd questioned my nerdiness in my teens, I'd experimented with it when I was alone in my room, quietly playing "Dragon Warrior" on old school nintendo when no one was around. But as soon as anyone came in the room, I'd turn it off and pretend I had been watching something non-nerdy like ... uh ... blast, what the devil did non-nerdy kids watch in the mid-ninties?! Dawson's Creek!*

As I matured (who am I kidding, I never matured), I pretended that I wasn't a nerd. I hid it from my family and loved ones. I took Kickboxing. I skiied. I pretended to like art. But the whole time I felt I wasn't being true to myself.

Then one day, it all came crashing down. Actually, it wasn't just one day. It was a series of events. And it probably started with my friend introducing me to the Sims (Thanks a lot Greg). I spent hours upon hours creating imaginary communities for imaginary people, delighting in the fact that I could kill them off in a split second by removing the ladder to the pool and causing them to drown, or locking them in a room with a rocket that they would stupidly light and burn to death, or not letting them go to the bathroom (is that realistic? Has anyone died from that?). The point is, The Sims was a safe way for me to experiment with my nerdiness.

From there I got addicted to more hardcore games. First came Zelda, The Twilight Princess. My entire life revolved around Link and his perilous quest to save the princess. Soon, we bought an x-box, and I slowly stepped out of the nerd closet. I went into EB Games on my own, without the guise of buying a game for "my husband." I began go into these shops, asking legitimate questions about the games, such as "Is this a hack and slash, or turn-based?" (as opposed to illegitimate questions like, "What day does 'Two Worlds' come out?"**) I knew the lingo. I got the jokes. I was a nerd.

And then it happened. I signed up for World of Warcraft. The ultimate nerd experience. I began pwning noobs***. I began making WoW references in everyday conversation. I embraced my nerdiness. I accepted myself for who I was.****

So to all you young nerds out there taking flack for being a level 6 half-elf with a plus 3 two handed broad sword, and having a d20 on hand in case a D&D campaign breaks out at any given time, I'm here to tell you - It does get better. Be who you are. Be a nerd*****.


*See? I can't even think of something non-nerdy!!

**Apologies to anyone who liked that game. But come on - you just rode a horse around the who time. Lame.

***To be fair, the noobs mostly pwned me.

****I've since stopped playing WoW, but only because I wanted to dedicate my free time to Skyrim.

*****But don't expect to get laid.

A Slap in the Facebook...

I'll admit it, I have a slight addiction to Facebook. I enjoy checking it on a daily (sometimes more than daily) basis to see what's going on in the world of social networking. I love catching up with friends who live far away, or even looking through pictures of old friends to see where they are now. I would say that I mainly use it for pictures. And a little bit of stalking (you all do it, don't deny it). You know you want to see if Jerry from grade 4 got married (which would shock the hell out of you because he used to eat glue right from the bottle) or if Jessica from high school ended up having like 12 kids and got really fat (who knew she was a born again Christian now and has devoted her life to helping the less fortunate?). And of course, there are some people you wish the best for. Like poor little...ok I don't really have an example. But I'm sure there's people we wish the best for.

All joking aside (I'm pretty sure I was kidding?), there are some things on Facebook that annoy the crap out of me. Things that so many people are guilty of doing. So many to the point where I didn't post this in my Facebook notes because over half my Facebook friends would think I was talking directly about them (which is pretty much true...so I hide behind the blog that no one really reads because I am a coward! haha). But I digress. So here is a list of a bunch of random things that piss me off about Facebook. 'Cause I'm in the business of complaining (that, and most self respecting people probably agree with me).

*Just a side note: If you do any of the following, please stop. Unless you do it in a funny or ironic way. Then you may carry on.

1. Updating your status with completely boring information.
Please stop this. I don't care that you got up and had a piece of toast. Then you brushed your teeth. Then you went to the store to buy fish. And so on. Unless it's funny or even remotely interesting, it's not status worthy. Mundane stuff like that belongs in the diary you write that no one else reads. Or not, because then when you read it years later you will think, "Man, I'm boring."

2. Updating your status with spelling errors.
This is just a personal pet peeve of mine. I get so annoyed when people use "your" instead of "you're" or "there" instead of "their" or "they're." This is stuff we learned in elementary school, people! Take two seconds to spell check your status before hitting "share!" If the person does it once in a while, I'm ok with that. I still chuckle a little and make fun of the spelling error (even more so if I do it...totally embarrassing), but there are some people who consistantly do it. Those are the people I'm talking about here.

3. Spoiling season finales.
This has happened on several occasions. I seem to always miss the season finale of my favourite shows, just because I'm busy that night. I usually end up watching them online the next weekend when I have a bit more time. Or I've missed the entire season so I'm waiting til the dvd comes out to watch it. In any case, not EVERYONE watches the season finale when it's first on. That being said, it is not fair that it is spoiled by some idiot on Facebook saying "Oh my God, I can't believe _____ happened in the season finale of Dexter!" (That is a direct paraphrase from my Facebook news feed). So now season 4 is kind of ruined for me. I haven't even finished watching it, but I know what happens. I also had the ending of Lost spoiled for me. And Glee. And Grey's Anatomy. Maybe it's my fault for not watching the season finale the second it's on. But people don't do that for movies. You wouldn't catch someone saying, "I can't believe Darth Vadar was Luke's father!" had Facebook been around when Empire Strikes Back came out. And if you did, people would defriend him in two seconds. Maybe I should defriend these people...
Sorry if I spoiled Empire Strikes Back for anyone.

4. My mother on Facebook.
I sure hope she doesn't read my blog.

5. Farmville or any other Facebook game.
I do not care that you need more people to join so your cows will be fed or whatever the whole point of the game is. PLEASE stop inviting me or posting about it on Facebook! Sure, there's an option to block it, but as soon as you block that one, a variation of it pops up with someone no doubt inviting people to play. Luckily this practice has died down a bit since they were introduced, however it still exists. Maybe a protest is necessary.

6. People who add you and then never talk to you.
I've had this happen a few times. I've accepted the friendship of someone I knew along time ago. Time goes by and I hear nothing from them. So I send them a quick "Hi, how've you been these past few years?" No response. What was the point of adding me if you never respond? It's one thing if you're never on Facebook, but I can see all these updates on the news feed. I know you're there. Then it's a delete. And three weeks later they're requesting friendship again. Uh, I don't think so.

7. The middle name thing.
What's up with that? Unless you go by your first and middle name in real life, why are you putting it as your name on Facebook?

8. People who announce celebrity deaths.
We are aware that Michael Jackson, Patrick Swayze (nooo!!!) and Farrah Fawcett are dead. Unless this pertains directly to you, why must you plaster it all over Facebook? Unless it's funny. Dark comedy is always appreciated. But seriously, there were so many "R.I.P. Brittany Murphy" and "so sad to hear about Gary Coleman" (although most of the status updates on Gary were hilarious). So annoying.

9. People who have the same status as 14 million other people.
Yes, we all saw that there was an earthquake in Ontario (I'm pretty sure the devastation caused was a patio chair being knocked over). Yes, we know that there was a tornado warning. If it's in the news, chances are we already know about it and are reading 50% of our friends statuses on the subject. Don't be a statistic.

10. The sympathy seeker.
"Leslie is so sad." Hmmm, are you possibly trying to get people to shower you with attention so you can feel better about yourself? And of course you didn't say why you were sad so that people would ask and you could talk about it. Not cool, Leslie. Not cool.

11. The guy who invites you to a million events that you are obviously not interested in.
Great, you're having a fifteen minute show at 11:57pm on a Tuesday night 2 hours from where I live when I have to work the next morning at 8am like a regular person. Why would you ever think that I had any desire to go to your event? Oh, right, because you just invited EVERYONE on your list without thinking.

12. People who constantly declare their love for each other via Facebook.
Ok. You're in love. More in love than anyone has ever been in love before. No one else's relationship can compare to what the two of you share. We get it. But you live together. You see each other every day. Do you really need to post on each other's wall about how much you love them or about that funny thing they said this morning while making coffee and thus have it come up on my newsfeed? Probably not. But you do it any way. This is why I have blocked you from my newsfeed. Why haven't I defriended you? Because I probably don't want to offend you. And because I'm stupid. That's why. But seriously, folks, there's a private inbox. Or I'm sure you both have cell phones. Text each other. Call each other. Send private smoke signals (although chances are I'd see them and get annoyed). Just keep it to yourselves.

13. My mother on facebook.
Did I say that one already?

14. People who announce they're going to delete Facebook. And then don't.
If you're deleting Facebook for real and want to let people know so you can add them to MSN or get their email address, that's fine. I understand that. Most people send private messages to those who they actually care about. However, those who announce they're thinking of getting rid of Facebook and then don't due to all the people saying, "No, Leslie, don't delete Facebook, we love you!" are annoying. Still not cool, Leslie.

Please feel free to let me know what annoys you about Facebook!

P.S. I am aware that if it bugs me so much I should just delete it. But how would I stalk Leslie and Jessica and that weird kid from 4th grade who ate glue?

The Species Nerdus...

A couple years ago, a friend of mine and I were discussing the different types of nerds out there. I came up with binomial nomenclature scheme of the several different types (Linnaeus would be so proud!). I felt it appropriate to share with you. Keep in mind that I either am friends with or married to all of these different species of nerd. As well, you should know that many of these species are interchangable, as they can transform into one or more of the different species at any given time. And there are other types of the Nerdus species, but these are the ones that I've studied extensively in their natural habitat.

(Note: This is best read with a British Accent)

Nerdus draconus
This mouth breathing mammal is a pack animal. Usually found in its natural habitat of its parents' basement, the Nerdus draconus prefers a dark, dank environment. Its diet generally includes, but is not limited to, RC Cola and whatever snacks are left over from the last Dungeons and Dragons campaign. When attacked by a predator, the Nerdus draconus will mostly likely use its plus 3 two handed broad sword and hope to roll a critical hit.

Nerdus mathmatica
The Nerdus mathmatica is a highly intelligent mammal, but has very little strength to fend off natural predators, such as the Jockus bullius. It has a slight physical build and is timid around most, especially the female of any species. A common marking on the Nerdus mathmatica is a pocket protector upon its chest containting several utensils used for writing, as well an electronic device used to perform basic mathmatic operations. This species generally has poor vision and require large corrective eye wear. Should the Nerdus mathmatica be amused, its laughter usually involves snorting. The Nerdus mathmatica's diet generally consists of pi.

Nerdus asiana
Dispite popular belief, the Nerdus asiana did not derive from Asia, but rather it is believed to have originated in North America. The Nerdus asiana has typically never been to the continent of Asia, but tends to enjoy the animation produced there. Usually influenced at a young age by being in an environment that allowed shows such as "Sailor Moon" or "Pokemon" to be viewed, the Nerdus asiana matures into someone who generally does not care what others think of them, due to the fact that they probably realize that everyone else thinks anime is for children. The Nerdus asiana are usually independent, but tend to group together with other Nerdus asiani once or twice a year at an anime convention. .

Nerdus videous gamicus
Like its close relative, Nerdus draconus, the Nerdus videous gamicus also dwells typically in a dark, cool basement. Nocternal by nature, they tend to sleep during the day, usually on the same couch that they use during their video game play. On the off chance the Nerdus videous gamicus finds a mate, the mate will need to either be of the same species or be able to watch hours of video games without complaining; both of which are very rare to find. The diet tends to consist of carbonated beverages and stale potato chips or leftover pizza. The natural predator to the Nerdus videous gamicus is power outages.

Nerdus scientifica
The Nerdus scientifica enjoys all things science fiction and usually fantasy. They can usually be interchangeable with the Nerdus draconus, as they enjoy elements of the table top fantasy games. However, what sets the Nerdus scientifica apart from Nerdus draconus is the fact that their sole purpose in life is to debate the differences between Captain Kirk and Captain Picard. Their ideal mate would be a hot alien chick from Battlestar Galactica, however they will settle for any female species that shows interest. The Nerdus scientifica diet is made up of whatever is quick and easy to eat, since they don't want to miss the latest episode of Dr. Who.

Nerdus sportica
This rare breed of Nerd has boggled the scientific community for years. The Nerdus sportica is athletic, plays several different types of sports and physical activities, but also invests several hours a day in playing videogames, table top role play games, and/or other nerdy things like reading. They are generally well liked by the rest of the humanoid species, however, they tend to keep their Nerdus tendancies secretive, only revealing them to other fellow Nerdi. The Nerdus sportica is predominantly a carnivore, dieting mostly on burgers, steak and any other meat product available. The Nerdus sportica has very few known natural enemies.

There were definitely more species of Nerd. I will have to revise this as more information is collected from research.

I Dream of...a lot of weird stuff...

One of my favourite things to do is analize dreams. They are fascinating to me. What one's subconscious comes up with while their asleep is crazy. Especially me. Any of my close friends know how insane my dreams are. Which usually means I don't analize my own.

I studied dreams a bit in university, but not to a huge extent. There's the standard Freudian theories, which are NUTS. Freud was probably just projecting his love of his own mother onto everyone else. Oh, you dreamed of cheese? You're in love with your mother. You dreamed of sitting in front of a tv? In love with your mother. You dreamed of your mother? Hmm...no idea what that could mean. Freud was crazier than his patients. Keep in mind this man prescribed cocaine as an antidepressent.

Well, as always, I have my own theories on dreams*. I've read a few of those dream dictionaries and don't buy into the whole thing. Sure, there's your typical stress dream, where your teeth are falling out and you are trying to scream but there is no sound coming out. But what about the idea that specific objects mean specific things? For example: say I dreamed of a snake. According to many dream interpreters that could mean "transformation" or "fertility."

Carl Jung once said, "perhaps the commonest dream symbol of transcendence is the snake, as represented by the therapeutic symbol of the Roman god Aeseulapius, which has survived to modern times as a sign of the medical profession. This was originally a nonpoisonous tree snake; as we see it, coiled around the staff of the healing god, it seems to embody a kind of mediation between earth and heaven."

Personally, when I dream of snakes, I immediately thinkg of Aeseulapius the Roman god. Oh wait, no I don't. Should we even be listening to a guy who uses the word "commonest"**? I suppose his German was probably better than his English. The point is, however, that to me, snakes do not mean "transformation." When I dream of snakes, it's a fear thing. I genuinely fear snakes. They creep me out. I don't feel as though I'm being "transformed" while I dream of a snake about to attack me and swallow me whole! I feel as though I'm going to die or at least be brutally maimed!

I also don't buy into the fact that me dreaming of a certain thing means the same thing to another person dreaming the same thing. For example, take snakes, as was used in the previous example.*** I don't like snakes. Therefore, I would dream of them in a negative way. But perhaps my friend that I just made up, Jerry, loves snakes. He raises snakes in his little snake aquarium, or whatever you use to house snakes when you're keeping them as a pet. So when he dreams of snakes, maybe it's in a positive way. Maybe Jerry feels transcendence through the dream. Or maybe he's in love with his mother.

The point is, different people all around the world (or even in the same city) think differently towards all sorts of objects. I love dogs. My friend hates dogs. I would buy into the theory that I'd dream of a dog as friendly or loyal. My friend, however, would not. She would dream of it in a negative way. She doesn't fear dogs, she just doesn't like them. So it would either be an annoyance to her in the dream, or she would just ignore it.

What if I dreamed of something that I didn't actually know anything about? Or I was misinformed about it's use or purpose? Say I dreamed about a dolphin. But perhaps I've never seen a dolphin except in a picture. Let's also assume that I've never learned anything about dolphins aside from the fact that they swim and live in the ocean. I am not aware that they are more than a dumb fish. How can the dolphin symbolize intelligence or safety or communication to me if I'm not aware that the dolphin is an intelligent mammal who communicates through echolocation? (Luckily I played "Ecco the dolphin" for Sega as a kid, so I'm all up on my dolphin info). Or how about me dreaming about dogs being all loyal and such, while some kid who lives in a foreign country where dogs are always ferral and not domesticated. He's not going to dream of them with the same meaning, since he doesn't view dogs in the same way I do.

Basically what I'm trying to say is that not all of the theories dream analysists have can be applied to everyone. Dreams are a lot more personal and should be interpreted as such. Although I really think Freud would have a field day with me. On any given night something fantastically bizarre happens in my head while I sleep. Jeff Goldblum getting mad at me because I made a joke about my non-existant daughter; me shapeshifting into a mouse; having to find a secret passage way through a mirror in a bookcase that turned into a portal. Did I mention this was all the same dream? I really don't think half my dreams actually mean anything. They probably are just a stream of nonsense that my mind just hadn't processed through the day. Trust me, my head is full of nonsense. I can't get it all out during the day, so I need time at night to finish it off.

Or maybe Freud got it right. We're all suffering from the Oedipus Complex and want to marry our mothers. Sounds sane enough.


*Disclamer: I know that not a lot of people agree with my theories. They're my theories. Feel free to have your own or attach yourself to an already existing one. Also keep in mind that I am aware that this theory may already exist, but I'm too lazy to do research at 6am.

**Please note that I do respect Carl Jung and his many theories. I still choose to make fun of him.

***I must have dreamt about a snake last night.

Why Being an Adult is Better Than Being A Kid...

So I noticed that we are constantly saying how much easier it was to be a kid. How much we wish we could go back to being innocent and playful, how we could just go back to being carefree and simple. No bills, no responsibilities, no stress.

Well, I got to thinking about that and decided that there are lots of reasons why being an adult is better than being a kid.

Here is my list (in no particular order, of course):

- I don't have to eat my vegetables if I don't want and still get to leave the table when I want (and risk getting scurvy).

- I finally get all the sexual references in all those "kids" movies we watched as kids (somehow I now find it odd that my mother even let us watch 'Sister Act' or 'Uncle Buck' or more shockingly, 'Porky's').

- I can put my toys away when I feel like it, not when my mom tells me to (after getting annoyed that my house is too messy).

- My bedtime is whenever I say it is (surprisingly earlier now than it was when I was a kid...)

- I can watch 'The Simpsons' without my mom getting me in trouble (although it was much more fun to watch when it was taboo).

- If I make a face, I now have it on good authority that it will not stay that way (although I will still look like an idiot).

- When I say, "I'm huuuunnnngrry," I don't have to wait for my mom to tell me no, that I'll spoil my dinner if I have a snack (I can just go ahead spoil my dinner).

- I no longer have to wait for my mom to drive me to my friends house (I now have to spend my own gas money and drive there myself).

- If I want to eat an entire bag of candy and get a stomache ache, that's my prerogative (to feel horrible for three days).

- The cookies in the jar are mine for the taking! (and mine for the replacing!)

- If I want to go to work with my hair unbrushed and my clothes wrinkled, I can do it if I want (to be made fun of...).

- I am now aware that hooking up a nintendo to a tv will not break said tv (thanks dad...).

- I can now listen whatever music I choose at whatever decibal I choose (until the neighbours call the cops).


And I will add more as I think of them. Feel free to add your own too!

University Life...

Yeah, yeah, I know...I'm not very good at updating. Sorry.

I have tons of things to talk about, just not enough time to write about it! And now that I finally have a bit of time, I forgot what I wanted to write about. Oh, wait, no, I remembered. Please keep in mind that I started writing this at 5 a.m., so chances are, half of it will not make sense and/or be grammatically incorrect. I apologize in advance.

I've discovered that there are two types of people (well, there are a million types of people, but for the sake of this blog right here, we're going to say there are two types...just go with me here); there are people who actually felt a strong connection with the university or college they attended and there are people who didn't. I'm in the people who didn't category. This is not to say I didn't feel I "belonged" or anything, I just don't feel as strongly towards it as others.

I was perusing Facebook this morning, and I noticed that there was a group made called "I Miss My Trent Friends." It got me thinking. I don't have any "Trent Friends." I went to Trent for four years. I met lots of people during that time. None of them are "Trent Friends." They're just friends. Or aquaintances. But they're not specific to the university. And then I thought, "Did I not experience university the right way?" And the answer is: Maybe.

Not that I had a bad experience of university by any means. The difference was, however, I never lived in residence and I never lived with roommates. In my first year of unversity, I lived at home with my parents. Saved money and I didn't have to share bathrooms with an entire floor of strangers (Not feeling like I missed out on anything with that, I'll tell ya!). After first year I got married and moved in with my husband. Avoided the roommate from hell issue (although sometimes that's debatable, ha ha).

I never lived like a student. I didn't have the old, brown and orange tweed hand me down chesterfield (do people still call couches chesterfields? I feel it's only appropriate to call them that when they're from the 60's) that would "do for now," since people would just be drinking and passing out on it. I didn't have that one roommate who would do her share of the chores (oh wait, I had that husband who didn't do any of the chores! Kidding...he did the dishes...once). I never wore pajamas to class, because my bedroom was 3 seconds from the lecture hall (I wore pajamas to class because I forgot to do laundry that morning and had no clean pants! Again, kidding...I think).

These experiences seem to be what many think make up a university experience. I never had them. However, I don't feel like I missed out on anything. I had a different university experience. One that didn't solely involve school. In fact, university seemed to be the background to my life, as opposed to being my entire life. My family and my job seemed to come first. And then, when I got around to it, came university life. I also found it funny whenever I mentioned the fact that I worked while going to university, many professors seemed shocked. I never realized that so many people didn't work while going to university. I don't know how they could afford not to! Even student loans don't cover everything.

It's just funny, how everyone sees things differently. Some cherish all their university memories. I cherish the memories I had while I attended university, but they don't necessarily involve the university. But I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

The 15 Commandments of Boy Bandom...

Ah, the 80's and 90's. My youth. It was a scarier time back then. A time when teenage girls' screams and cries could be heard from all edges of the earth. These screams and cries were not in terror; oh no. They were cries and screams of longing for those singing, dancing, most likely homosexual, boys that formed what we know as the boy band. Remember a time when boy bands ran wild and free? Luckily for our health and safety's sake, the boy band is becoming rarer these days. Sure, music is still pumping out those cheesy love songs, sung by young gentlemen who probably don't know what half the words their singing even mean. However, the boy band as a species is slowly going extinct. And thank Darwin it is! Natural Selection wins again!

When this fact dawned on me the other day, I couldn't help but wonder what separated the boy bands from other people in the music industry. I mean, aside from the annoying lyrics and the fact that they all seem to be clones of one another. My first thought was that they are all robots. Seems very likely. Robots tend to do what they're programmed to do, and boy bands seemed to do just that. However, I realized that robots would probably malfunction in the inevitable scenes of the music videos where they boys are dancing/singing/crying/being idiots in the rain. I mean, if there's one thing I do know, robots do not like water. So that theory was shot down. Then I thought that the boy bands were comprised of puppets! Sure! Why not? Puppets do what the puppet master tells them to! They can dance around if the puppeteer directs them to do so! But of course, that's not plausible, since these guys probably already have something shoved up their ass there's no room for a puppeteer's hand (too far? Oops!).

So I came up with this list, using some of the boy bands I remember as examples. The Ten Commandments of Boy Bandom. Well, actually, it's a little more than ten. More like Fifteen. Either way, this is what I came up with! Now, keep in mind that not every boy band follows every single commandment. Much like many Christians I know. Haha!

1. Thou shalt have a lame band name that thou thinks is clever.

B4-4 - The number before 4 is 3, which is how many band members there were! How clever is that?!

98 Degrees - These guys thought they were hot, so they named their band a high temperature. It's a good thing they used fahrenheit. I mean, if you called your band 36.67 Degrees, it wouldn't sound as hot. Still, clever!

'N Sync - They took the last letter of each of their names and made it into this clever little acronym! It almost says In Sync! Which they thought they were! Although, I'm pretty sure Lance's name doesn't end with an N, so I'm not sure why they didn't change it to 'E Sync or 'N Syec when he replaced the former member, "Jason."

5ive - They replaced the "F" with a "5"! And there were five members in the band! I don't think you can get more clever than that!

2. Thou shalt have one old guy in the band.

Backstreet Boys - Remember Kevin? I'm pretty sure he was doing this boy band gig because retirement was boring.

'N Sync - Joey was probably one of the other guys' uncle.

3. Thou shalt have some band memebers be related.

Backstreet Boys - Kevin and Brian were father and son...er, I mean cousins.

98 Degrees - Nick and ...other Nick were brothers.

Hanson - They were all sisters.

New Kids on the Block - Jonathan and Jordan were brothers.

B4-4 - Those creepy twins were ...twins.

4. Thou shalt use a retarded form of English in titles of your songs.

5ive - "Slam Dunk da Funk." Replacing the word "the" with the word "da" really shows their awesomeness.

'NSync - "Bring in da Noise." See above.

New Kids on the Block - "Sexify My Love." Seriously? Sexify is passing as a word these days? And how does one sexify something?

Hanson - "Mmmbop." I'm pretty sure that one's for the old dictionairy. I can see Webster defining it now; "Mmmbop - a period of time where you realize just how idiotic the really word is."

5. Thou shalt use the word "baby" or "girl" way too much.

New Kids on the Block - Ok, these guys have the word "girl" in almost every single chorus they sing. For example: "Cover Girl," "Please Don't Go Girl," "Be My Girl," "Stop It Girl," "Hangin' Tough Girl"...oh, that last one might not be right. But the point is, there were a lot of them.

Backstreet Boys - Every second word is pretty much "baby." I wonder if they're singing to an infant?

6. Thou shalt have some bizarre way of making young girls scream and cry.

Every boy band seems to have this affect on young girls...and a select few boys. I don't get it! I never once screamed over a boy band. I mean, I was the right demographic, so why not me? I feel like I missed out.

7. Thou shalt not play thine own instruments.

The only acception to this rule seems to be family bands (i.e. Hanson, the Jonas Brothers, the Moffats). Every other boy band seems to focus way too much on their awesome dance moves and matching outfits.

8. Thou shalt have one "bad boy" in the band.

Backstreet Boys - A.J. had a goatee so that makes him bad.

'NSync - I think Chris was the bad boy cause he had dreadlocks. I'm not sure.

New Kids On The Block - Donnie was definitely the bad boy. He had the "I'm an asshole but you love it anyways" look down pat. Plus, I'm pretty sure the tabloids said he burnt down an entire hotel. And you know the tabloids are always right.

9. Thou shalt have one sensitive guy who will inevitably come out of the closet.

'NSYNC - Well, we saw this one coming. Lance decided to come clean with his fans and tell them he was gay. Millions of girls around the world cried out, "Meh." Since by this time most of them have moved on from having a crush on the deep voiced blond and started focusing on things like paying bills or whether they thought the 15 year age gap between them and the Jonas Brothers would really matter all that much if they were truly in love. Plus, I'm sure deep down everyone saw that one coming.

Backstreet Boys - I'm pretty sure Howie's gay. You can just tell. And Brian's so gay that he's straight.

5ive - That guy with the "Jamaican" Accent...probably gay.

10. Thou shalt have horrible lyrics.

Backstreet Boys - Oh where to begin. I'll just pick the first song I heard by these guys. "Quit Playin' Games With My Heart" from their "Backstreet's Back" Album.

Quit playin' games with my heart (with my heart)

Before you tear us apart (my heart)

Quit playin' games with my heart

I should've known from the start

You know you've gotta stop (from my heart)

You're tearin' us apart (my heart, my heart)

Quit playin' games with my heart

'NSYNC - Well this is an excerpt from the song "It Makes Me Ill" from their "No Strings Attached" album.

Call me a hater, if you want to

But I only hate on him 'cause I want you

Say I'm trippin' if you feel like

But you without me ain't right (ain't right)

You can say I'm crazy, if you want to

That's true-- I'm crazy 'bout you

You could say I'm breakin' down inside (inside)

'Cause I can't see you with another guy

I really could go on and on with these bands, but I'm only going go for two. Just so you see my point.

11. Thou shalt act gangsta, especially if thou is white.

Eminem's got nothing on these boys. They wore the dreadlocks, the baggy pants, the backwards baseball caps, etc. They were gangsta through and through.

12. Thou shalt use thine arms a lot whilst singing to the ladies.

Every notice that when boy bands are singing, they spread their arms out like they're trying to fly or something? And there's always a wind machine in the videos. Just watch any video by any boy band, I bet you'll see one of them spreading their arms while they sing. And you'll probably see that it's slightly windy.

13. Thou shalt have that one guy in the band whom everyone forgets.

Backstreet Boys - Everyone forgets that one guy...uh...oh, Howie D! He's the least liked guy in the band. And probably the only one that didn't make a big spectacle out of himself.

'NSYNC - Bet everyone forgot about ol' Chris. You know, the one who had dreadlocks and wore goggles on his head? I swear, he was in the band!

98 Degrees - I forget everyone except Nick. I just call them Nick and other Nicks. They all look the same to me anyways.

New Kids On The Block - I always forgot about Jonathan and sometimes Danny. Although, Danny had a rat tail, so I usually remembered him for that hideous decision.

14. Thou shalt have a signiture dance move.

Backstreet Boys - Watch the "(Everybody) Backstreet's Back" video. That whole dance sequence is their signiture move.

'NSYNC - Definitely their "Bye Bye Bye" dance.

New Kids On The Block - The "arms waving in the air like you really just don't care" move from "Hangin' Tough" is known worldwide.

The rest of the boy bands have the "stand in one spot and bob the rest of your body forward to the beat" move. It's pretty sweet.

15. Thou shalt have lyrics riddled with sexual innuendos.

B44 - "If you get down on me I'll get down on you." I'm not sure what the innuendo is here. It's pretty obvious what they're going for. I don't know what else this could mean?

'NSYNC - "You got it, I want it"...etc. You know they only became a boy band because they thought it would get them laid. Except Lance. He just really loved to sing and dance.

5ive - "If Ya Gettin' Down." Hot. They don't even try to disguise it.

Backstreet Boys - "The Perfect Fan" Yeah, like this was really about their mothers. Gross, guys.

Hanson - "Mmmbop"...you know what that really means.

So, as you can see, there are several things that separate the boy bands from the...men bands? These 15 Commandments are the reason the boy bands rose to stardom. However, these same commandments were also the cause of their endangerment and future extinction (hey, I can hope, can't I?).