Tuesday, April 7, 2009

The 15 Commandments of Boy Bandom...

Ah, the 80's and 90's. My youth. It was a scarier time back then. A time when teenage girls' screams and cries could be heard from all edges of the earth. These screams and cries were not in terror; oh no. They were cries and screams of longing for those singing, dancing, most likely homosexual, boys that formed what we know as the boy band. Remember a time when boy bands ran wild and free? Luckily for our health and safety's sake, the boy band is becoming rarer these days. Sure, music is still pumping out those cheesy love songs, sung by young gentlemen who probably don't know what half the words their singing even mean. However, the boy band as a species is slowly going extinct. And thank Darwin it is! Natural Selection wins again!

When this fact dawned on me the other day, I couldn't help but wonder what separated the boy bands from other people in the music industry. I mean, aside from the annoying lyrics and the fact that they all seem to be clones of one another. My first thought was that they are all robots. Seems very likely. Robots tend to do what they're programmed to do, and boy bands seemed to do just that. However, I realized that robots would probably malfunction in the inevitable scenes of the music videos where they boys are dancing/singing/crying/being idiots in the rain. I mean, if there's one thing I do know, robots do not like water. So that theory was shot down. Then I thought that the boy bands were comprised of puppets! Sure! Why not? Puppets do what the puppet master tells them to! They can dance around if the puppeteer directs them to do so! But of course, that's not plausible, since these guys probably already have something shoved up their ass there's no room for a puppeteer's hand (too far? Oops!).

So I came up with this list, using some of the boy bands I remember as examples. The Ten Commandments of Boy Bandom. Well, actually, it's a little more than ten. More like Fifteen. Either way, this is what I came up with! Now, keep in mind that not every boy band follows every single commandment. Much like many Christians I know. Haha!

1. Thou shalt have a lame band name that thou thinks is clever.

B4-4 - The number before 4 is 3, which is how many band members there were! How clever is that?!

98 Degrees - These guys thought they were hot, so they named their band a high temperature. It's a good thing they used fahrenheit. I mean, if you called your band 36.67 Degrees, it wouldn't sound as hot. Still, clever!

'N Sync - They took the last letter of each of their names and made it into this clever little acronym! It almost says In Sync! Which they thought they were! Although, I'm pretty sure Lance's name doesn't end with an N, so I'm not sure why they didn't change it to 'E Sync or 'N Syec when he replaced the former member, "Jason."

5ive - They replaced the "F" with a "5"! And there were five members in the band! I don't think you can get more clever than that!

2. Thou shalt have one old guy in the band.

Backstreet Boys - Remember Kevin? I'm pretty sure he was doing this boy band gig because retirement was boring.

'N Sync - Joey was probably one of the other guys' uncle.

3. Thou shalt have some band memebers be related.

Backstreet Boys - Kevin and Brian were father and son...er, I mean cousins.

98 Degrees - Nick and ...other Nick were brothers.

Hanson - They were all sisters.

New Kids on the Block - Jonathan and Jordan were brothers.

B4-4 - Those creepy twins were ...twins.

4. Thou shalt use a retarded form of English in titles of your songs.

5ive - "Slam Dunk da Funk." Replacing the word "the" with the word "da" really shows their awesomeness.

'NSync - "Bring in da Noise." See above.

New Kids on the Block - "Sexify My Love." Seriously? Sexify is passing as a word these days? And how does one sexify something?

Hanson - "Mmmbop." I'm pretty sure that one's for the old dictionairy. I can see Webster defining it now; "Mmmbop - a period of time where you realize just how idiotic the really word is."

5. Thou shalt use the word "baby" or "girl" way too much.

New Kids on the Block - Ok, these guys have the word "girl" in almost every single chorus they sing. For example: "Cover Girl," "Please Don't Go Girl," "Be My Girl," "Stop It Girl," "Hangin' Tough Girl"...oh, that last one might not be right. But the point is, there were a lot of them.

Backstreet Boys - Every second word is pretty much "baby." I wonder if they're singing to an infant?

6. Thou shalt have some bizarre way of making young girls scream and cry.

Every boy band seems to have this affect on young girls...and a select few boys. I don't get it! I never once screamed over a boy band. I mean, I was the right demographic, so why not me? I feel like I missed out.

7. Thou shalt not play thine own instruments.

The only acception to this rule seems to be family bands (i.e. Hanson, the Jonas Brothers, the Moffats). Every other boy band seems to focus way too much on their awesome dance moves and matching outfits.

8. Thou shalt have one "bad boy" in the band.

Backstreet Boys - A.J. had a goatee so that makes him bad.

'NSync - I think Chris was the bad boy cause he had dreadlocks. I'm not sure.

New Kids On The Block - Donnie was definitely the bad boy. He had the "I'm an asshole but you love it anyways" look down pat. Plus, I'm pretty sure the tabloids said he burnt down an entire hotel. And you know the tabloids are always right.

9. Thou shalt have one sensitive guy who will inevitably come out of the closet.

'NSYNC - Well, we saw this one coming. Lance decided to come clean with his fans and tell them he was gay. Millions of girls around the world cried out, "Meh." Since by this time most of them have moved on from having a crush on the deep voiced blond and started focusing on things like paying bills or whether they thought the 15 year age gap between them and the Jonas Brothers would really matter all that much if they were truly in love. Plus, I'm sure deep down everyone saw that one coming.

Backstreet Boys - I'm pretty sure Howie's gay. You can just tell. And Brian's so gay that he's straight.

5ive - That guy with the "Jamaican" Accent...probably gay.

10. Thou shalt have horrible lyrics.

Backstreet Boys - Oh where to begin. I'll just pick the first song I heard by these guys. "Quit Playin' Games With My Heart" from their "Backstreet's Back" Album.

Quit playin' games with my heart (with my heart)

Before you tear us apart (my heart)

Quit playin' games with my heart

I should've known from the start

You know you've gotta stop (from my heart)

You're tearin' us apart (my heart, my heart)

Quit playin' games with my heart

'NSYNC - Well this is an excerpt from the song "It Makes Me Ill" from their "No Strings Attached" album.

Call me a hater, if you want to

But I only hate on him 'cause I want you

Say I'm trippin' if you feel like

But you without me ain't right (ain't right)

You can say I'm crazy, if you want to

That's true-- I'm crazy 'bout you

You could say I'm breakin' down inside (inside)

'Cause I can't see you with another guy

I really could go on and on with these bands, but I'm only going go for two. Just so you see my point.

11. Thou shalt act gangsta, especially if thou is white.

Eminem's got nothing on these boys. They wore the dreadlocks, the baggy pants, the backwards baseball caps, etc. They were gangsta through and through.

12. Thou shalt use thine arms a lot whilst singing to the ladies.

Every notice that when boy bands are singing, they spread their arms out like they're trying to fly or something? And there's always a wind machine in the videos. Just watch any video by any boy band, I bet you'll see one of them spreading their arms while they sing. And you'll probably see that it's slightly windy.

13. Thou shalt have that one guy in the band whom everyone forgets.

Backstreet Boys - Everyone forgets that one guy...uh...oh, Howie D! He's the least liked guy in the band. And probably the only one that didn't make a big spectacle out of himself.

'NSYNC - Bet everyone forgot about ol' Chris. You know, the one who had dreadlocks and wore goggles on his head? I swear, he was in the band!

98 Degrees - I forget everyone except Nick. I just call them Nick and other Nicks. They all look the same to me anyways.

New Kids On The Block - I always forgot about Jonathan and sometimes Danny. Although, Danny had a rat tail, so I usually remembered him for that hideous decision.

14. Thou shalt have a signiture dance move.

Backstreet Boys - Watch the "(Everybody) Backstreet's Back" video. That whole dance sequence is their signiture move.

'NSYNC - Definitely their "Bye Bye Bye" dance.

New Kids On The Block - The "arms waving in the air like you really just don't care" move from "Hangin' Tough" is known worldwide.

The rest of the boy bands have the "stand in one spot and bob the rest of your body forward to the beat" move. It's pretty sweet.

15. Thou shalt have lyrics riddled with sexual innuendos.

B44 - "If you get down on me I'll get down on you." I'm not sure what the innuendo is here. It's pretty obvious what they're going for. I don't know what else this could mean?

'NSYNC - "You got it, I want it"...etc. You know they only became a boy band because they thought it would get them laid. Except Lance. He just really loved to sing and dance.

5ive - "If Ya Gettin' Down." Hot. They don't even try to disguise it.

Backstreet Boys - "The Perfect Fan" Yeah, like this was really about their mothers. Gross, guys.

Hanson - "Mmmbop"...you know what that really means.

So, as you can see, there are several things that separate the boy bands from the...men bands? These 15 Commandments are the reason the boy bands rose to stardom. However, these same commandments were also the cause of their endangerment and future extinction (hey, I can hope, can't I?).

No comments:

Post a Comment